Monday – Jacob Pierce
See also: CUTHT on KSYM
Tuesday – Kay Passeaux
Wednesday – Joe ‘3Phus’
JOE “3PHUS”: In certain circles the man is known as Joe 3Putts. The only member of the TCMN Air Force with the multiple addictions of music and golf and collecting those weird little golf visors, 3Phus came to the TCMN shortly after what he refers to only as “that unfortunate incident” at an ultra-exclusive, all-female golf academy in the Swiss Alps. 3Phus is not the only member of the TCMN Air Force to have posed unashamedly for a camera while wearing a skirt. He is, however, the only member of the TCMN to have posed unashamedly for a camera while wearing a skirt AND a very unattractive hat. The hat made his butt look too big.
Favorite colors: Fire engine red and Lime green (hey, he plays golf and all golfers believe those colors actually go together).
Favorite food: Créme something-or-other.
Most notable quote: “I’m hell on that percentage of light thing.”
Born under the Sign of: RAMP UP!
Thursday – ‘Señor Crusty’ Jim Beal Jr.
SEÑOR CRUSTY: (A recent call to Crusty World Headquarters in search of an update was answered by the same ill-tempered mynah bird. All the bird would say was: “You kids get off my lawn.” And: “If you ever call here again I WILL notify the authorities.” So we’ll let Crusty’s bio stand:)
According to a spokesperson at Señor Crusty’s deep South Side Crusty World Headquarters, a person – or thing – that sounded suspiciously like a mynah bird with a really bad attitude, His Crustiness was unavailable for comment.
Senor Crusty’s deep mistrust of the media is legendary. However, a few tidbits about the man can be gleaned from his long-out-of-print autobiography, “”A Life Semi-Leavened,” published in the ’60s by Bayou Self Publishing.
Crusty was born on the South Side of everywhere, under the sign of Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work. He was raised in the back seat of a ’49 Chevrolet.
His favorite color is paisley.
His favorite food is beef jerky and peanut butter/cheese crackers.
His favorite beverage is top-shelf Canadian whiskey. He also has an affinity for electric basses made in Canada. Why that is has never been answered fully because it seems he’s not fond of Canada Dry soft drinks.
Senor Crusty’s family tree includes Hungarians, French people, some folks from Wales, maybe a Scottish woman and an Irish man, a couple of hoot owls and a coyote or two.
The Crusty One can be heard playing bass with Ear Food Orchestra. Formerly wrote for the San Antonio Express-News.
Friday – Dave ‘FryDave’ Ludwig
DAVE “FryDave” LUDWIG: In the running with Bullet Bob for the TCMN representative with the most nicknames, FryDave has, of late, made things easy by shedding each and every vestige of a job, thus leaving behind many employment-oriented names. Now firmly ensconced in the Friday catbird seat, FryDave, also the TCMN music director, brings to bear a love like no other for gimmicks, a Cajun in his pocket, flip-flops and T-shirts promoting movies no one, that’s no one, but FryDave actually viewed. An unapologetic polkaholic Dave actually knows how to polka, waltz, two-step, shuffle, twirl and bop. And he will do so at every opportunity, usually with someone else’s date.
Favorite food: Dave is a confirmed vegetarian. Unless there’s free food in which case he will eat anything – that’s anything – from raw beef to fried lettuce.
Favorite color: Moot point. To Dave they all look alike.
Born under the sign of: In God We Trust – All Others Pay Cash.
Saturday – Mystery Hosts:
TISH “THE INTERN”
Due entirely to poor judgment on her part, Tish is currently sharing hosting duties for Saturday’s show.
Born in the rural countryside of Cambridge Massachusetts, she comes to us with a long family tradition of working on useless causes and concerns. Her Aunt Emma for example, is widely known for her efforts to stop the proliferation of sofa slipcovers. The Intern’s long term goals at Third Coast are much loftier than her crazy Aunt’s though, as she is currently attempting to get us all to wear our headphones on the correct ears. Now, this ordinarily might sound like an easy task but determining which ear is the (r)ight one does have its grey area. My right? Your right? etc..
When she’s not involved with Third Coast, Tish spends most of her time at her estate tending to her origami garden, relaxing beside the pool, reviewing menu options from her staff, or throwing down Mojitos by the pitcher.
Born under the sigh of : Shhh!
Favorite fashion accessory: Top Hat
Favorite role model: Ellie Mae Clampett
Favorite quote: “why are you people so difficult!”
DAVID “BARRIO BLASTER” RODRIGUEZ
Out of the West, that’s the West Side, The Barrio Blaster, David Rodriguez, rides. Astride a supercharged Cushman Eagle scooter, saddlebags bulging with music driven by accordions, guitars, I-IV-V bass lines, the occasional bajo sexto and drums, drums, drums, the Barrio Blaster delivers the sounds of San Anto, the REAL San Anto, straight to you.
Sunday – DJ KIOLBASSA
CAP’N PAUL – THE WEBMONSTER: Cap’n Paul, the Third Coast Webmonster, was born and raised in some kind of North and kind of West part of the country where people rejoice – and slide into their Speedoughs – when the mercury climbs to freezing. He grew up in a town called We Have More Fleas Than People.
Because he showed, at a very early age, a tendency toward the high-tech, his parents panicked, stuffed him and his little Junior Webmonster’s First Computer on Fred’s Bus Lines and bought him a no-way-out ticket to the end of line.
Of course, the end of the line for most of us at TCMN is, well, TCMN. Shunned by polite society, Cap’n Paul last year pledged 50 cents to have the opportunity to empty Iron John’s spittoon. He’s been an integral part of TCMN since.
Cap’n Paul was born under the sign of Double-Wides For Rent…Cheap. His favorite color is that sickly brownish/green that’s used to manufacture fake vomit. His favorite food is microchips and habanero salsa.
OUR FOUNDER – JOE X. (BY GOD) HORN: Have you heard the song “”Cattle Wash” by Flametrick Subs? That tune is the story of Joe X.’s life.
Born in North Texas in a little town called We Wanna Be Dallas, Joe X was raised by a family of tumbleweeds.
When he was big enough to go to work, he toiled in the fields of North Texas, picking money off of the money trees.
In the ’40s, Joe X rolled into South Texas in a stolen truck full of kidnapped mutant rodeo cattle. He wasn’t really a thief. He just had to wash cattle. It’s an obsession that continues to this very day.
He and Iron John get together at KSYM on Sundays, round up the San Antonio College squirrels and give them all baths.
You know, the squirrels don’t seem to mind and it keeps Joe X and Iron John occupied. Drop by the station some Sunday and watch the pair of them get all dolled up in their rodeo finery and soap a squirrel. But do it quietly because those boys will scrub anything that moves.
Joe X was born under the sign of No Spitting On the Floor. His favorite color is faded. His favorite food is Quiche Lorraine. A little known fact about Joe X is he literally hates music. When not on the Third Coast Music Network air, Joe X lives in a sensory deprivation chamber that’s shaped like a Jim Beam Edsel commerative decanter.
In an ironic twist, as much as he hates music, Joe X is addicted to line dancing. It must have something to do with the tumbleweeds that raised the boy. Motion is in his blood, even though he gets motion sickness and his blood looks a lot like the sap of the Mescal bush.
BRENDA X: Born and raised near a small North Texas town, a burg called Fishing With Dynamite, Brenda X ran away from home at an early age.
She found her way to South Texas when she hitched a ride with a wagon train that she thought was headed to Hawaii. Oh, well, as far as she’s concerned, the surf is always up.
Born under the sign of Wipe Feet Before Entering, Brenda X wrestles alligators when she’s not on the air.
Her favorite color is clear, though she rarely wears it. Her favorite perfume is Eau de Something Incredibly Expensive. Her favorite food is blackened Cajun hot dogs. She has two pets, and they play on the same baseball team.
IRON JOHN O’ROURKE: Actually, Iron John isn’t made of iron at all. He was constructed of some sort of space-age polymer; built in the East Coast laboratory of a scientist who wasn’t exactly mad, just somewhat goofy.
Iron John also is the host of KSYM’s “”Blues Avenue,” which airs on KSYM Sundays from 2-6 p.m.
An accomplished Death Metal vocalist, Iron John dreams of the day when he can quit spinning blues and Robert Earl Keen Jr. and take to the road with his band, Iron John and the Corpse @#$%^&s.
But we digress. Iron John made it to S.A. from the East Coast by walking all the way. Well, he caught a ride from downtown Massachusetts to very near the outskirts of Pennsylvania, but when he spit snuff juice on the window of a very expensive British automobile, he was tossed.
Iron John has been at KSYM for about 100 years. He often sleeps on the couch in the office because the office was built around him.
Iron John’s favorite color is a very strange shade of puce; kind of a dusty puce or faded puce. His favorite food is snuff. His favorite beverage is festive. His birth sign is KEEP OUT.
WEDNESDAY WENCH: Wednesday Wench? Hey, no one at the Third Coast Music Network gave Debbie that name. She named herself. We are the, make that THE, bastion of political correctness.
Apparently Debbie actually earned the name in a previous life. She and the sister of that guy about whom the song “You’re So Vain” was written were hanging out together four or five incarnations ago. Debbie, actually a princess of some sort, as practically everyone was in a previous life, was goofing around in the medieval equivalent of Wings. Debbie decided she’d break with family tradition and pretend she was a pirate’s wench.
Her family was irked, of course, but Debbie met a really cool frog, kissed him, was turned into a disc jockey and landed at KSYM as part of the TCMN.
And you thought it was difficult to get on the radio.
The WW’s favorite color is plaid. Her favorite food is tofu with
chocolate syrup and little sprinkles. Her favorite beverage is anything with a little umbrella in it. Her favorite hangouts are none of your business. The WW was born under the sign of Fresh Paint.
VELVET JONES: Listing his hometown as “”Points Unknown,” there’s a very real possibility Velvet Jones was dropped on this planet by a rogue UFO whose crew was tired of smelling smoke from those little Panteras Velvet sets afire from time to time.
Velvet was born under the sign of “”No Trespassing.” His favorite color is black. His favorite food is free. Though he really loves classic disco music from the ’70s and is quite a dancer in the Travolta style, Velvet has worked very hard to learn to tolerate the music he plays on the Third Coast Music Network.
When not on the air, no one knows where Velvet goes.
However, he can be found playing frottoir (rub board) in both the Ear Food band and A Pack of Loners.
Velvet’s latest motto is, “”I feel like there’s somethin’ boring into my brain.”
And there might well be.
JOE JOE JELLYROLL: Born and raised on Planet Flat Top, Joe Joe the Dog-Faced, e-r-r-r-r Joe Joe Jellyroll was transported to the Colorado Rockies by a spiteful ex-girlfriend who was jealous of Joe Joe’s plethora of female cousins.
Because he refused to spell Aspen with only one “”S,” Joe Joe was banished to South Texas to live and work among the infidels – or is that True Infidels?
Also known as Jitterbug Boy, Haircut Head, Two-Tone Tommy and Hey, A@#$%^&, Joe Joe loves nothing more than pop/jazz, light classical music and Jet Near Beer.
Whenever Hank Harrison is unable to slip out of his electronic monitoring device, Joe Joe, who has no real life of his own, eagerly subs on the Sunday noon-2 p.m. Hillbilly Hit Parade.
Joe Joe Jellyroll’s favorite color is chrome. His favorite food is malted barley mixed with Dan & Jersey’s Al Goretex ice cream. His favorite animal is stump broke. His favorite shirt is stolen. His favorite cousin is whichever one is staying at his trailer at the moment. Joe Joe was born under the sign of No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.
TOMMY “THE PERFESSER” DUKES – The Perfesser is the only person who has been anywhere near KSYM who knows – and will tell you about at length – the difference between dew point and wet bulb. Tommy knows absolutely nothing about music. Okay, he’s a bass player so he has an excuse. However, because he’s so strong on wet bulb knowledge it was imperative that he be given a DJ slot. When left to his own devices, which is rarely, Tommy collects paintings on velvet, hangs around bowling alleys trying to hustle high-stakes games with out-of-town chumps and sits around with his robe open throwing peanut shells on the floor. But that wet bulb thing, man, that’s amazing.
Favorite food: Grape-Nut & tripas tacos.
Favorite color: The blue of the flame of a Bunsen burner.
Favorite beverage: Any beer with a name that’s impossible for the average American to pronounce.
Born under the sign of: Please Take a Number.
JIMI JAMES: Born and raised in a huge city somewhere in the East, Jimi James is a Yankee through and through. However, the man also is a consummate actor, a mimic and, quite frankly, a well-respected mime. He acquired that Texas accent while doing an off-off-off-off-no, farther off than that-Broadway production of “”Cat On a Hot Tar Roof.” His was the part of Medium-Sized Daddy.
After he got kicked out of downtown East Coast for herding sheep through Victoria’s Secret, Jimi hopped a freight loaded with medical waste and wound up herding sheep through Victoria’s Not So Secret in Pleasanton.
Tried for various transgressions -but convicted of none – Jimi was nonetheless sentenced to do time on KSYM. You can also hear Jimi James on Blues Avenue some Sundays when Iron John has to take time off for his treatments.
Jimi James’ favorite color is pinto. His favorite food is caviar and grits nachos on blue corn tortilla chips. He was born under the sign of Shoplifters Will be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law. When left to his own devices, Jimi James refuses to laugh.
SAM BAIRD: Sam is a veteran of our revolving Saturday lineup, and has done a splendid job. He has a ton of experience with roots music; blues is his specialty. Sam (along with Ronny Narmour) is also responsible for booking the talent for the annual Bowie Street Blues Festival, so now you know who to thank for all the killer music you’ve heard there.
DOUG BLACKBURN: Little Dougie or “Dug” as we like to pronounce it, is the young blood of the group. Raised in South Texas he has a long history of being terrorized by farm animals dating back to a nasty accident he incurred during his mutton busting days. That day tragically ended with the loss of Dug’s favorite sheep known as “bessie”. Young love that ends so suddenly is always hard to get over. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice of mutton busting, it’s something country people do in order to prove that no matter how stupid the request is, their child will do whatever they tell them to.
A natural athlete, Dug used his background in rodeo to begin a foray into badminton and curling. These hobbies ended once it was explained to him that using real birdies was in poor form and that tea and cookies were not going to be served.
born under the sign of : NO SMOKING!
favorite saying: ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT?
favorite fabric: WOOL of course!
TRACEY “tracem” SHULTZ
RAEWEST – RaeWest comes to us all the way from her hometown of Faraway, Alabama.
After high school, and upon discovering that moon pies could be storebought, RaeWest set her sights on higher education and moved to San Antonio to go to college.
RaeWest originally went to college seeking a geology degree. When asked about this line of research she told me that it was just a big misunderstanding. Apparently she had told the school counselor that she “wanted to rock”, not “learn about rocks”.
After that misunderstanding with her counselor, she decided to devote herself to what she was born to do. This epiphany caused her to spend the next several years traveling the globe on the air guitar circuit. She was only one pete townshend windmill short of greatness when a rotator cuff injury forced her into early retirement.
When not on the air, she takes three things very seriously.
1. Wardrobe accessories
3. sorry, she swore me to secrecy!
Favorite phrase: will somebody please turn that up!
Favorite article of clothing: Fishnets of course!
Favorite food: Little Debbie’s devil squares
RAIN “RAIN” GILBERT: Rain is his real name. If there’s a punch line in there you’ll have to find it for yourself. Rain is the poster child for KSYM’s commitment to diversity and the power of community service to change lives while building strong teeth and bones. Rain, a young man, is an absolute classical music freak and a semi-retired ballet dancer who worked to some acclaim in several Eastern European countries whose names only Tommy Dukes can spell and find on a map. Rain comes to the TCMN Air Force via a fiendishly clever work-release/rehabilitation program that seeks to find effective transition between the worlds of semi-retired ballet dancers and what passes for South Texas reality. While he still thinks “twang” is an archaic term used by exiled symphony orchestra managers Rain is learning, in fits and starts, how to spell “Lone Star” and revel in the glory of steel guitar music. Please bear with him while he navigates the learning curve.
Favorite food: Watercress sandwiches on whole wheat bread with the crusts trimmed off.
Favorite beverage: White wine spritzer.
Favorite color: Alfa Romeo green.
Born Under the Sign Of: I Brake for Cellists.
BULLET BOB FLORES: The man with more aliases than a Post Office wall, Bullet Bob, AKA Bobby Cobalt, Day Camper and perhaps even a new “also known as” being developed even while we speak, was won by the Third Coast Music Network, more or less fair and square, in a poker game. An inveterate drifter whose drifting is slowed tremendously by the enormous wardrobe with which he travels, Bullet Bob has indeed sailed right ’round the seven oceans and dropped things into the middle of the deep blue sea. He is not the only TCMN jock who can break dance. He is, however, the only TCMN jock who will proudly break dance.
His favorite color: That color pink that some people describe as “salmon” but most describe as “kind of pink, but not exactly.”
His favorite food: Whadda you have to offer?
Born under the sign of: Close Cover Before Striking.
JOHN “JOHNNY CONQUESO” CONQUEST: He’s back. After wandering in the wilderness (well, living in and near Austin) Conqueso has moved to S.A. The exact circumstances of the relocation are shrouded in secrecy but the man has done suitable penance and will return to the airwaves to teach us all how English is really spoken. Actually now he’s in Houston. Oh well, most of his original bio still stands:
First, be aware El Conquesto is not from this country. Born and raised in downtown England, John is very proud of the fact the Queen Mother actually spoke to him once. That she said, “”Hey, ink-stained wretch, get the hell out of my way,” doesn’t seem to embarrass him in the least.
Conqo is the editor, publisher and chief bottle washer of the monthly rag Third Coast Music Magazine. He lives, generally under house arrest, somewhere near Austin. Conqster is slated to inflict his views, and his take on Third Coast music, on unsuspecting Third Coast Music Network listeners the first Saturday of every month.
Conquest was born under the sign of This Way To the Loo.
His favorite color is taupe.
His favorite food is NOT fish and chips.
Despite what you read in his magazine, Conquest’s favorite music is cutting-edge electronica mixed with heavy doses of Miami hip-hop.
TONE CONTROL GUERRERO: Tone was apparently born on the campus of San Antonio College and raised very near the KSYM control room. He has more hair than four wild mountain gorillas. He has a pair of ears on him that tell him Anthrax isn’t heavy enough and Dale Watson isn’t twangy enough. He has a mind that tells him the quest for the heaviest and the twangiest is as noble, and perhaps as dangerous, as anything ever attempted by Holy Grail seekers.
Tone’s favorite color: You know the faded gray that can only be achieved when the jet-black stamp you get on your right hand directly after you deal with the “dude”-saying doorman at a bar with really loud metal music manages to eventually conjure up enough math to figure out the date on your i.d. starts to fade after you’ve washed the back of your hand a dozen times with Lava soap? That’s Tone’s favorite color.
Favorite food: No one has ever seen Tone eat anything.
Favorite beverage: Gin and chocolate milk.
Born Under the Sign Of: What Would Happen if Lemmy and Wayne “The Train” Hancock Started a Band Together?
DAN “THE CAKE MAN” KLEINFELTER: He’s not made out of cake. He bakes cakes. And he does so very, very well. That is, The Cake Man USED TO bake cakes. It was kinda like he was sucking up to get a coveted TCMN air shift because everyone knows a TCMN air shift is the fast track to riches, glory and nicknames, not to mention dates with super models whose last names are more difficult to spell than “Kleinfelter.” So he’d bring amazing cakes to the radio station. But then The Cake Man actually got an air shift, and the plum prize of being the wrangler of Third Coast Mystery Hosts, and he suddenly quit baking. For a couple of days he brought in stale cinnamon rolls from the day-old bread store. And then he brought in a couple of 35-cents off frozen pastry coupons. And now he pretends the word “cake” is not in his vocabulary. Be careful if you see Dan out in public because he is usually surrounded by an entourage that would make two dozen rappers jealous and the man will engage you in conversation for hours on end. And he might not even drop a baking tip on you.
Favorite food: Anything but cake.
Favorite color: Any Fiesta Ware color.
Birth Sign: Nothin’ Says Lovin’ Like Somethin’ From the Oven.
TERRI KRAKOWER: Terri has only recently moved back to this area from the frozen North, and is anxious to wade ass deep into our library to bring us her unique perspective. She has produced independent radio shows before, and is no stranger to “eclectic”.
Tom ‘T-Bone’ Scheppke – longtime SA radio DJ, KISS and KZEP
ABIGAIL ” LIL’ DIPPER” : The intellectual of our group, even though she spent most of her post graduate years in austin and there’s nothing intellectual about that. A planner by nature, ask her what she’s planning next and the response is usually “to have another beer”. Abigail has an innate fear of pancakes and french toast stemming from a childhood breakfast incident so unspeakable that we cannot discuss it here.
Favorite food: anything on a stick
Favorite color: lone star red
Born under the sign of: “Ladies Welcome”
LULU: Discovered toiling in one of those Bourbon Street feather boa/giant marijuana leaf Mardi Gras beads/rude T-shirt shops, Lulu was snagged by the Third Coast Music Network press gang, bundled into an unmarked van and spirited to Alamo Town. Initially on Third Coast Tuesdays, Lulu has done a nice job of learning not to try to sell feather boas to fellow deejays as she mines the Third Coast lieberry for songs no one, and that means no one, has ever heard. Though she wasn’t born when most of the discs in the stacks were recorded, Lulu apparently has some sort of mutant gene that allows here to play songs people actually want to hear. Still, you have to excuse Lulu when she now and again screams, “Hey, mister, buy a Voodoo doll kit and I’ll throw in a 48-ounce Bud Lite.”
Born Under the Sign Of: No Outside Food or Drinks
Favorite Color: Neon
Favorie Food: Tootsie Rolls and farm-raised catfish